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If You Know Someone Who's Struggling With Suicidal Thoughts, Here Are 4 Important Things You Should Know

Author:

Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy

Written by

Perpetua Neo, DClinPsy

Pain Does Not Discriminate

Treatment

Punishment

Photo by Ilya

As I read the tragic stories of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, two wonderful creative souls who sparked so much sensorial joy in the world, I noticed that nearly everyone had something to say about it. But one thing I heard time and time again was, "How dare they? They're so rich and famous. They have everything."

As a psychologist, someone who's been there and someone who has lost a loved one to suicide, here's what I'd like to point out about invisible pain:

1. Pain does not discriminate.

It doesn't matter how rich, intelligent, or famous someone is, because pain doesn't discriminate. The pressure of being in a certain position means you're forced to keep up with the charade, and the stakes escalate with every lie you spin and every mask you put on. Telling the truth about the hell you're experiencing isn't always met with kindness.

People tell you to just "start exercising" or tell you that you don't have any reason to be depressed. But here's the thing: Even if you logically know exercise gets those endorphins flowing, sometimes you just don't have the will to. Or maybe you feel like you don't deserve it. You don't know if you're the special snowflake who may not feel better even if you do exercise. You wonder if things have degenerated too far for anything to change.

2. You cannot think pain away.

We aren't rational creatures. We're not only the products of our gut reactions and emotions; we also carry the triumphs and traumas of the generations before us, so expecting someone to "just suck it up" isn't fair. Why do you think some people throw themselves obsessively into work and then obsessively into any kind of activity or substance?

They're afraid of being with their own heads. We tell ourselves that if we just get into the right mindset we'll stop feeling all this pain, as though we can plant new beliefs when deep-seated stories are embedded emotionally and in our cells as trauma. So as much as we convince ourselves that "life is good," there will still be days that are darker because of identifiable and unidentifiable triggers. And all logic fails to persuade us otherwise.

Photo: @South_agency

3. Treating someone in pain like a victim won't help them.

When I was in pain and dealing with suicidal thoughts, I never felt worse than when I was treated like a victim by one of my best friends. I didn't ask for advice; I simply said, "I don't want advice; I want to know if you can be here."

Instead, my friend reiterated her ideas that I was a victim who'd be lost without a relationship. In my vulnerable state, I believed her. But when someone struggles with inner turmoil, they're not a victim—there's a part of them that identifies as a warrior, and that's why they soldier on.

4. It's not fair to punish people for how they feel right now.

It doesn't matter how amazing a person's life seems on paper or if you believe they "should" be feeling differently because of their fame, wealth, or intelligence. Punishing people for that is petty, insensitive, and unkind.

Until you know what it feels like to have that abyss stare at you, the pain of an invisible struggle is impossible to verbalize, and I pray you'll never be intimately familiar with the abyss. Let's stop punishing people for how they feel right now and stop asking them why they can't just snap out of it.

Instead, remember that in every case of inner turmoil, there's an origin somewhere along a person's timeline. The trauma and pain replay on a loop, triggered and reinforced by certain chapters in our lives. And then we learn to be hopeless and helpless.

Sometimes, the most reflective individual may not be aware of the nuances of how these compounded traumas affect them. The question we should instead ask is this: "What happened to you?" and know that there are ways to heal rather than "manage the problem." And if asked, you can offer to find help with them. This way, they can be in control of their past, present, and future.

Instead of offering solutions, ask how you can be there for them—because well-intentioned counsel may make things worse. Often, the most powerful and loving thing to do is just believe them and bear witness to their pain. That's where transformation first begins.

And if you know that a person is suffering because they are trapped in a toxic situation—be it workplace bullying, an abusive relationship, or any form of injustice—call it out. That's where you can exercise your power and your voice, and here's how you can help someone get through pain.