How To Have An Actually Productive Argument, According To A Couples Counselor

The No. 1 complaint couples bring into my therapy practice is an inability to communicate. They aren't able to work through conflict in a way that moves their relationship and their understanding of each other forward. They argue, they get defensive, they shut down, or they escalate the tension. As a result, they end up repeating the same fight with their partner over and over again.

To successfully wade through the challenges that inevitably come up in all relationships (not just romantic ones), we need to learn how to make our fights more productive—meaning each of you is able to express your point of view, you understand and respect each other, and you work together to come to a mutually agreeable solution.

Many people get these two confused, especially during conflicts. They label their thoughts as feelings and then feel entitled to them, insisting to their partner, "You can't tell me my feelings aren't valid; they're my feelings!" This statement is true about feelings—but not about thoughts. Your feelings can't be invalid, but your thoughts can. Discriminating between the two can be especially difficult, but this distinction is crucial if you want to stay grounded and want your partner to participate in the conversation.

So how do you tell the difference? Feelings are emotions that fall into one of four broad categories: sad, mad, glad, and afraid. A thought is simply your perspective, observation, or interpretation of a situation.

Everyone is influenced by their upbringing and experiences, and those affect how you respond to your partner. People develop what I call a "filter" that affects how they interpret what their partner says and does. That filter is especially at play during conflict. Your thoughts and feelings are a direct result of how you have been raised to view things. Acknowledging your filter gives you the opportunity to switch from blaming your partner or focusing on their behavior to talking about what's going on for you.

Use "I" language as much as possible, describing your own experience and your reaction to it, without making it about the other person. Don't label or judge your partner. Don't be attached to the idea that what you think is right. Recognize and admit that you are making meaning out of events; this keeps your conversation in the realm of exploring what's happening for you instead of attacking your partner.

Self-soothing and emotional self-regulation are big parts of the work for each of you. It's important to develop the ability to tolerate feeling unsettled and unsure. Instead of looking to your partner to change what they're doing or to reassure you, you should work toward being able to settle yourself down and tend to your own reactivity. This is going to take practice, but mastering difficult conversations includes regulating your own emotional state.

So how exactly do you do that? You can take a break to get control of yourself, knowing it's your job to show up and engage again. If you get triggered or escalated, it's your job to notice that and do what you need to do to regain control.

It helps to be intentional about the hard talks. Avoid the tendency to ambush your partner, diving into an intense topic when they may not have the bandwidth to respond well. If there are persistent trouble areas in your relationship, go ahead and schedule a time to talk. Set a time limit too, so you both know what to expect.