The 10-Minute Daily Ritual That Will Revolutionize Your Relationship

Long-term, committed relationships can be tough. You're co-existing with another complicated human. Maybe they lose some of the luster they had during the early days, or maybe work, kids, and just life itself get in the way. This undeniable challenge is not a knock on commitment and monogamy; rather, it's a reminder that, as with all good things, long-term relationships require regular maintenance.

But it doesn't have to be as hard as you might think. When I work with long-term couples in my practice, regardless of the issues they're dealing with when they start working with me, I almost always recommend one very simple strategy: a 10-minute talk at the end of every day.

Often, people don't intentionally communicate with their partners outside the normal day-to-day small talk until something's gone wrong, and by that point, many of us are not communicating very well, anyway. Creating and abiding by a daily end-of-day conversation ritual means intentionally setting aside a time and place to reconnect every evening and to share how your day went.

Importantly, this is not a time to bring up current relationship conflicts. Instead, this talk should give you and your partner the space to chat about whatever else is on your mind or in your heart outside of the relationship. This is a time for you to really express compassion and empathy for your partner's feelings and thoughts without judgment. It's an opportunity to really "take your partner's side" in all things in life without the pressure of discussing conflicts between the two of you. And because you're not discussing issues within the partnership, it's so much easier to be understanding of your partner's worries or concerns.

Clinical psychologist John Gottman, Ph.D., of The Gottman Institute, refers to these daily talks as "deposits" in a couple's emotional bank account. There will likely always be withdrawals throughout the relationship, often on a day-to-day basis: times when we interrupt, snap back, or shut down. But if you intentionally make time daily to deposit love and energy back into your relationship and into one another, you'll find that both of your emotional banks often balance.

Your evening conversations don't have to be complicated or drawn out. In fact, they can simply be referred to as "How was your day?" conversations—in other words, short, connected check-ins that ensure you both feel heard and supported.

Before you begin your end-of-the-day chat, I'd recommend making some agreements. Agreements help to bring clarity and importance to your unspoken expectations.

First of all, agree on the timing. Try scheduling your talk for an exact time (e.g., 8 p.m. every night), the immediate 10 minutes after you both get home, or any other easy-to-remember 10-minute interval in your day. Some people want to connect the moment they walk in the door from their day; others (myself included!) need to decompress on their own before they're ready to engage. Agree on a time that you both feel good about. When my clients agree on a time that has the needs of both of them in mind, they feel more understood and seen by their partner—which leads to more intimacy and connection.

As mentioned before, I recommend leaving conflict off the table in your daily communication sessions. That's not to say you should avoid tough conversations; just try to make your daily check-in a sacred space. Make this a time and space to share in each other's worlds outside of your relationship. Try avoiding topics of personal conflict, and focus on how you can connect to and be empathetic toward one another's daily lived experience—whether that's inside or outside of your relationship.

Finally, remember that this is a conversation; for as much as I encourage you to ask questions, this is a two-way street. Make sure you both have an opportunity to share and feel supported. When it's your turn to share, be open and honest. When it's your partner's turn, practice active listening: Engage fully in not just what they're saying but to the overall message they're communicating with body language, tone, emotion, and more. Give your partner your full attention—and garner the same in return. You'll see your connection deepen day after day.